When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
