So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
