i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
