you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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