its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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