i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
