After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i used baking grease as lip gloss
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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