i need an iv and a liver transplant
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
