Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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