i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
