I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
