I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
