You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
