for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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