i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
