do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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