My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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