i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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