a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
