You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
