so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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