I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
