Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
