The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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