My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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