I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
