My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
