I wish I could teleport
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
