I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
