If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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