youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
