New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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