I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
