I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
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In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
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I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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