we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
