I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
