i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Panties = found
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
