My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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