Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
