is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
