I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
