o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
