He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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