It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Can i not drive my cunt home
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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