what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
