So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
