This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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