Your dad touched me again.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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