Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
