hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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