i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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