I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
