If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
