you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
